Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
