he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
