dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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