Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
