Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
