went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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