I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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