She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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