Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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