Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
