I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
