GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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