Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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