just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
