I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
