I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Houston, we have a squirter
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
