it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
