Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
