Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
