I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
