Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
