I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
