I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
