Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
