The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
