there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
