I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
