He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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