There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
