so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
