I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
