apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
