Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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