This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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