3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
