thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
