I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
