im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
