I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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