Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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