I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
