It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
