you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
How does one acquire holy water?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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