mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
