He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
