last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
