I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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