It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
