Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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