Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
