remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
